Izzie in HolyLand – Part 9


Ami: Hello?

Izzie: Hi Ami, it’s Izzie.

Ami: Izzie? Sorry, I don’t know any Izzie…

Izzie: Of course you know an Izzie. You know, “Izzie in HolyLand”, that whole thing you do on your blog?

Ami: Wait a minute. Are you telling me I’m talking to the Izzie that I created?

Izzie: Well, now you’re giving yourself a bit too much credit, hun – the UN created me. You just kinda put me into words, I guess.

Ami: Whoa. Listen Izzie, I think I’m gonna have to hang up. This is kinda creepy for me, and I’m really not into that whole “metafiction” thing…

Izzie: What’s your problem with metafiction? I love metafiction… Come on, roll with me…

Ami: Well, I dunno…

Izzie: Oh, gimme a break – it’s my birthday! How often do you get to hang with a hip 62-year-old like me?

Ami: Well, now that you put it that way. Only because it’s your birthday, though.

Izzie: Good, indulge me. Now listen, I’m calling you for a reason…

Ami: I know.

Izzie: How do you know?

Ami: I’m writing this post, remember?

Izzie: Oh yeah – metafiction, right?

Ami: Right.

Izzie: Gotcha. Listen, anyway…. ummm, where was I…

Ami: You were calling me for a reason.

Izzie: Right! So listen, I’ve been thinking. You’ve been kinda hard on me lately, and I was wondering if we could do something to change that.

Ami: Well, that would be mainly up to you, Izzie.

Izzie: Me? Why me? You’re the one who’s bashing me every other week. By the way – you don’t write enough of me. Your blog’s been up for a whole year and this is only the 9th “Izzie” post. That’s just lazy, Ami.

Ami: You might be right there, Izzie… but it still doesn’t change the fact that you don’t seem like a happy birthday girl today.

Izzie: Yeah, I know. I mean, I try so hard – but I can’t seem to get the peace. And I soooo want a piece of the peace.

Ami: Oh, shut up. Seriously?… “I try so hard”?… Gimme a break.

Izzie: What!! See!? There you go again! You’re bashing! You’re Izzie-bashing!

Ami: Izzie, I’m just writing down the facts! I’m not twisting anything!

Izzie: Oh really? So tell me, what are the facts? Huh? What are they? Give it to me, I can take it. I’m a golden-aged girl.

Ami: That’s just it, Izzie! You’re a 62-year-old acting like a 2-year-old,


Ami: You’ve done almost everything possible to isolate yourself from your friends around the world,

Izzie:… (sniff, sniff..)

Ami: All you do is claim that you’re the victim, and that you’ll always be the victim,

Izzie: (Sniff, sob, sniff, sob…)

Ami: Whatever, Izzie. Anyway, the most important fact is that you don’t really want peace. You’re a staller, Izzie. You’ve got no plan. You’re just waiting for this conflict to solve itself. But let me tell you something: waiting isn’t going to work. Are you listening at all? Oh, come on, save me the waterworks, Izzie.

Izzie: NO! —-> (press here and come back). And I am NOT a staller! They’re stallers! And they started! I was here first! Did you even READ the Bible?

Ami: Oh Jesus… OK, I’ve had enough of this, I’m turning off the computer.

Izzie: Wait!!!!

Ami: No, if you want to have a serious discussion, then call me, apparently you already have my number. I don’t know who gave it to you. No wait. I guess I gave it you. Oh boy, is this post going to be much longer?

Izzie: OK, OK, wait… I’ll be serious… Just tell me, what should I do? How can I be happy?

Ami: If you really want to be happy, start by ending the occupation. Then you can start working on being happy for real.

Izzie: But, but…

Ami: No buts.

Izzie: I don’t know if I can do that…

Ami: I’m not sure you can either, Izzie. I’m not sure about anything these days.

Izzie: But… aren’t you the least bit hopeful? Even a bit?

Ami: Sometimes. I believe you have it in you, Izzie. Deep down, I believe in you. I think you can change. You just need to be pushed in the right direction. You just need your ass kicked, basically.

Izzie: Thank G-d. I thought you were going to give up on me.

Ami: Nope. Not yet…

Izzie: Good. At least YOU haven’t given up on me. Can’t say the same for all your other, left-wing, bastard traitor friends, though…


Izzie: Ami, you there? Sh-t. I think he’s really going to have it in for me next post…

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