Izzie in HolyLand – Part 10

An elderly couple from White Plains, NY are visiting Israel, looking for property ahead of their long awaited aliyah.

Their real estate agent is taking them to a luxury apartment in an exclusive project on a hilltop in southwest Jerusalem.

They’re in the elevator.

Agent: You’re going to love this apartment. I know you get that line from every agent, but I promise you – I know what I’m talking about.

Husband: What floor is it on?

Agent: Top floor. The views are AMAZING…. you’ll love it. I know I already said that, but I really really mean it.

Husband: Yes, you said that.

Doors open. They walk towards the door, knock, and just before the owner opens, the husband asks

Husband: What did you say the name of this project is?

Izzie opens the door, smiles while holding a glass of white wine

Izzie: It’s called “HolyLand”! Welcome! Come on in, feel at home! Take a look around!

As the couple begins to walk around, Izzie whispers to the agent

Izzie: You didn’t tell them about Olmert, right?

Agent: No! Of course not…

Izzie: And Lupoliansky? You didn’t mention Lupoliansky, did you?

Agent: No, don’t worry, they haven’t got a clue. Trust me.

Izzie: Trust you? I’ve been trying to sell this piece of corruption in the sky with you ever since the story broke, and everyone you bring eventually finds out!

The couple are on the balcony, taking in the view, but are a bit worried when they hear Izzie raise her voice

Husband: Wow, did you see her? She’s a piece of work.

Wife: I think she’s an alcoholic.

Husband: Yea, me too. I dunno, something fishy about this place. I’m getting bad vibes.

Izzie walks onto the balcony

Izzie: So, isn’t this view amazing? Good vibes, eh?

Wife: Oh yes, it really is something…

Izzie: You can see all the way to the Kotel, you really get a bird’s eye view of our forever united capital of the Jewish nation where we will build wherever we want to whenever we want to and how much we want to even if there are Arabs in certain areas and even if there’s a black president in the White House who wants to screw us and thinks he can tell us what to do may he rot in hell. Did I mention the house is fully air-conditioned?

Husband: No, but thanks for letting us know. So, Mrs. Holyland –

Izzie: Ms.

Husband: Excuse me. Ms. Holyland, why are you leaving this wonderful view?

Izzie takes a gulp. She wants it to sound believable

Izzie: Well, I just got out of a relationship. It was a really special relationship. In fact, turns out a lot of people called it The Special Relationship. Anyway, I just think it’s time to move on, you know? Did I tell you there’s a jacuzzi in the bathroom?

Huband: No, but –

Izzie: Oh, you’ve got to see it. Come, come!

Husband whispers to wife as they follow Izzie inside

Husband: Honey, I think I read about this project in the news. I think we better get out of here.

Wife: Why, what happened?

Husband: Trust me, this place is worthless.

Izzie: What are you two lovebirds whispering about? Oh, go on, feel free. Ask me anything.

Husband: Oh, nothing, nothing.

Couple checks out the jacuzzi, and Izzie grabs agent by the elbow

Izzie: I can feel it, they’re on to us already! Do something!

Agent: Alright, alright! Let go!

Izzie: Don’t tell me to let go, you moron! During the 5 minutes they’ve been here the police have probably arrested five more suspects in this thing. Hurry up!

Agent goes over to couple

Agent: So, what do you think of this place, eh? Did I tell you it was AMAZING or what?

Husband: Yes, you did. Apparently there’s some other things you should have told us –

Agent: – That’s right! Izzie just told me she’s willing to take 20% off the asking price! Can you believe it! Whaddya say guys?

Wife: Honey, I think we should go…

Husband: Yes. Tell Ms. Holyland we’re not interested.

As couple show themselves out, Izzie shouts out

Izzie: Wait! Did I tell you there’s a garbage disposal in each bathroom? Wait!!! You have to see the overhead tunnels! It’s like walking in the sky!!! Wait!!

Agent: They’re gone, Izzie.

Izzie turns around and throws her wine glass at the agent, hitting him in the groin

Izzie: I know they’re gone you imbecile! Damn it! I’m stuck here!!! I’m stuck on this stupid hill! In this stupid project that bears my name!

Agent: Don’t worry, Izzie. I’ll sell this place, if it’s the last thing I do.

Izzie: You better. I’m moving into my new house next week.

Agent: Really?!?!? You didn’t tell me! Where’s your new place?

Izzie lights up a cigarette, smiles and blows out an answer full of smoke

Izzie: Sheikh Jarrah.

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