Izzie in Holyland

Izzie in HolyLand – Part 13

Posted by Ami Kaufman on August 12, 2010 at 9:58 am

The intercom buzzes outside of Izzie’s office in Jerusalem
Secretary: Yes, Ms. Holyland?
Izzie: Ruti, what’s on my schedule today?
Secretary: Ms. Holyland today you have to convince your cabinet to vote for deporting 400 children who were born in Israel, speak Hebrew with an Israeli accent, were educated here but were unfortunate to have slanted eyes.
Izzie: Gotcha. [...]


Izzie in HolyLand – Part 12

Posted by Ami Kaufman on June 21, 2010 at 3:20 pm

Regev: Ms. Holyland, it’s time to go.
Izzie: Shut up Mark, I know it’s time to go. Don’t push me around, it’s my ass they’re gonna grill out there – not yours.
Regev: Sorry, Ms. Holyland. But look at it this way: we’re prepared. We have answers for everything. Just look at the papers if you forget [...]


Izzie in HolyLand – Part 11

Posted by Ami Kaufman on May 19, 2010 at 12:06 am

Ring, ring!
Izzie: Carlos?
Santana: Si?
Izzie: Carlos, it’s Izzie. What’s this I hear you cancelled your gig?
Santana: Yeah, listen honey, we had a really tight schedule, and, it’s just, like, it just didn’t feel right, ya know, with the occupation and everything, you get my drift, right?
Izzie: So why the fuck did you book a concert to [...]


Izzie in HolyLand – Part 10

Posted by Ami Kaufman on May 4, 2010 at 8:06 am

An elderly couple from White Plains, NY are visiting Israel, looking for property ahead of their long awaited aliyah.
Their real estate agent is taking them to a luxury apartment in an exclusive project on a hilltop in southwest Jerusalem.
They’re in the elevator.
Agent: You’re going to love this apartment. I know you get that line from [...]


Izzie in HolyLand – Part 9

Posted by Ami Kaufman on April 21, 2010 at 10:38 pm

Ami: Hello?
Izzie: Hi Ami, it’s Izzie.
Ami: Izzie? Sorry, I don’t know any Izzie…
Izzie: Of course you know an Izzie. You know, “Izzie in HolyLand”, that whole thing you do on your blog?
Ami: Wait a minute. Are you telling me I’m talking to the Izzie that I created?
Izzie: Well, now you’re giving yourself a bit too [...]


Izzie in HolyLand – Part 8

Posted by Ami Kaufman on April 7, 2010 at 11:09 pm

Izzie: Hi Demush! How are ya?
Democracy: Good Izzie, good… how are you these days?
Izzie: Yeah, I’m good, I’m good…
Democracy: Listen, I called you in for a meeting to talk about this gag order everybody’s talking about.
Izzie: Which gag order?
Democracy: Which gag order?! Are you serious? THE gag order, Izzie!
Izzie: But there are two.
Democracy: Two?
Izzie: Yup.
Democracy: [...]


Izzie in HolyLand – Part 7

Posted by Ami Kaufman on March 17, 2010 at 11:40 pm

It’s 3 am in Jerusalem. Izzie’s just finished another consult with her ministers on how to get out of the mess Eli Yishai caused during the Biden visit.
She’s been crying the whole night.
Just as she finally begins to close her eyes, the phone rings.

Emanuel: Izzie?
Izzie: Yes, who is this?
Emanuel: It’s me, Rahm.
She can hear him [...]


Izzie in HolyLand – Part 6

Posted by Ami Kaufman on February 25, 2010 at 11:05 am

Izzie: Oh my G-d, Ehud, I’m soooo stoked about Dubai! How cool was that operation?
Barak: Yeah, it was pretty good.
Izzie: Oh, and that death squad! SOOO smoooooth. Did you check out that Gail Folliard? How hot is THAT chic?! Oh my G-d, it’s like the Mossad must have some kind of Simon Cowell filtering out [...]


Izzie in Holyland – Part 5

Posted by Ami Kaufman on December 14, 2009 at 8:04 am

Izzie: Hey Baracky!
Barack: Izzie? Is that you?
Izzie: Yeah! Baracky, guess what?
Barack: Izzie… how many times do I have to tell you, there’s a 7 hour time difference. It’s 3 am here… and,
Izzie: But Baracky! I had to call you, I just had to!
Barack: Michelle is right next to me Izzie, this is a bad time. [...]


Izzie in HolyLand – Part 4

Posted by Ami Kaufman on September 8, 2009 at 10:35 pm

(Telephone rings)
Izzie: Hello?
Barack: Hey Izzie, it’s me…
Izzie: Baracky?! Is that you baby?
Barack: Yeah, did I wake you?
Izzie: It’s OK baby, you can call me anytime… you OK?
Barack: Yeah, yeah…. It’s just…
Izzie: What… you can tell me…
Barack: I dunno. Rahm showed me this piece in Haaretz… Kinda got me thinking…
Izzie: Well, if it’s Rahm, then it can’t be [...]